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a the end of the day..
of all the struggles that i face in my life, i think apathy is the hardest to overcome. i have spent several years now listening to friends talk about the lives they are beginning with their exciting new careers, and the mystique surrounding said careers always leads me to think "i could do that". katherine the interior designer="i would be an awesome interior designer." val the marketing major="i could be really successful at that." even stephanie, the new age farmer="i don't mind getting dirty and a job like that could be really rewarding."
when in truth, it is not these careers that i am enviable of. i have no doubt i could be successful at just about anything i put my mind to, the trouble is, my mind can not seem to be put to much these days. my focus shifted from 20/20 to in desperate need of bottle-cap bifocals at some point i can not pinpoint accurately and has been in disrepair since. i can never seem to rally the troops. either i am depressed and miserable-yet infused with an unwavering flame of inspiration and creativity, or i am happy and healthy and can not seem to put a sentence on paper. writing and speaking are the only things i have ever been truly gifted at, but it is nearly impossible to built some semblance of a life around a career in these areas unless you are completely dedicated, even to the point of losing people close to you. i thought i would be able to beat the system by becoming a journalist, but journalism is a joke. there is no reward in writing one sentence paragraphs made up of "laymen" style prose. my job now-where i do absolutely nothing for hours at a time-is just about as rewarding as being a television producer and much less stressful.
some days i think it would just be nice to have some kids and take up gardening. to hell with living up to my potential.
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too much wikipedia
i am a deist.
just wanted to throw that out there. i also think benjamin franklin was probably the coolest guy who ever lived.
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coma kid
i woke up tired and achy this morning from my trip to the gym yesterday. there is something wrong with my left shoulder-too bad i don't have health insurance to go and get it checked out. i want to try out acupuncture on it, but don't have 130 bucks to blow on it at the moment.
sometimes i think about being a kid. i was an incredibly confident child-that asshole who always raised their hand first in class. i wish i had that sort of moxy as an adult sometimes.
2009 has been terrible so far. all i have is my sanity and my man and hope for a few months from now. we are moving to tuscaloosa in august, so i can get my masters degree and he can get some sort of schooling under his belt.
i feel so listless, waiting. patience is not my strong suit.
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think we're all ready
since the bomb dropped, i have been feeling very difficult. i don't want to let resentment eat me up, or to eat a hole through the connective lines.
i have done that and it isn't something that can be fixed.
it is really hard to get over things when all you want to do is sleep.
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hard
heart strings pulled tight like an acoustic guitar.
i could play you a blues song today.
its impeccable how i feel this way at the times when i should be happiest. my shoes don't have near the wear i had expected.
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all i can do is cry
better grab your gallons to guzzle folks-ike's coke fueled rage is about to beat texas' ass like its name was tina...all while most likely blowing away those precious oil refineries off the coast of houston. its gonna be a tough week for gw, so we can bet there will be another surge in iraq.
meanwhile, i am headed to an 80's dance party tonight. can't decide on whether to dress punker or oldschool hip-hopper. heavy times.
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selfish?
i think my body is finally breaking through from the confusion.
for months i slept during the day (popping melatonin pills to beat my body's natural reaction), and wore sweaters (as the temperature outdoors hovered between 90 and 100 degrees fahrenheit). my body swolen, my appetite ebbing and flowing-the mind grows weak.
now daylight sparks the day. i am growing stronger, and shrinking (thankfully) back to who i am supposed to be.
i am going to start keeping regular notes on my life again.
i have been taking this indian herb twice a day. it is supposed to help with weight loss (this according to the men's health magazine that sits on the back of my toilet). i don't know about the weight (i don't weigh myself again until the 26th), but it has given me the strangest sort of energy. the only way i know to refer to it is "clean". it knocks the dust out of my eyes in the morning.
i have also been going to the gym 6 days a week. it is sort of rediculous, but it makes me feel better (outside of my hamstrings being wound up like rubber bands about to pop). over the course of 2 and a half weeks, i have almost made it back to where i was in january (when i ran every morning), and i see myself hitting a 5k sometime in the next six months. i have also been biking 4 miles 3 times a week, and lifting weights 3 times a week. i feel like i am getting my edge back, and maybe the edges of my hips as well. according to the numbers, i started no heavier than i was when i graduated from high school, but i didn't feel that way.
i am working to lose 40 pounds at this point, and i think i am fast-tracking it. i don't necessarily have an exact date to end on, but i do foresee squeezing into a white dress probably next october or november, which gives me more than enough time to lose it slowly and keep it off.
right now is an exciting period in my life. i still don't know what i want to be, but i have a better idea of who i want to be.
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in the morning..
i quit everything..and i start everything.
gotta start saying "yes!" more.
gotta smile more.
it is easier to do without days of sleepiness piling up on me.
i am so glad i quit.
next weekend..moving furniture, canoeing on the coosa, spring cleaning in september, and freedom.
i WILL..learn spanish..get a tattoo..meet my own expectations.
the moon must be full because i feel more in love than ever.
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exhaustion
i could work more, but i think might die.
i think i would rather die.
its just damned depressing..to have the good sort of weekend that i did..a lot of lying around..a lot of watching tv..a lot of hours between the sheets..and then i have to wake up sunday night and head back to the clock.
i am too young to feel like i am middle aged.
the money is finally sort of starting to come in. my tv is calling it quits..the volume button changes the channel and the closed caption spells expletives out to me when it shouldn't even be on, so i am going to have to replace it. we casually looked at some flat screens over the weekend. i may be able to casually buy one in a week or three. i think danny was a little floored that i have been able to save money, but my theory is this. he will not save it. he is going to spend all of his money on food (which is good, because i eat food, but he buys/eats A LOT of food) or vitamins or some other health crap, so i might as well let him continue to do that, while i save some money and get non-renewable resources..like a tv (or our diningroom set..or our couch..or pretty much all of our furniture, which he eventually paid me back for). i happen to be very good at saving money..and, unlike him, i can live without eating 7 square meals a day. i am good with wheat noodles and italian dressing..if that's what i have to do to make some money.
but working sucks.
it wouldn't suck so bad, but working two jobs is pretty much what i figure hell is like. i am tired when i go to sleep. i am tired when i wake up. i am tired when i go pee. i am tired when i eat lunch. on the weekend..there is about a 6 hour period when i am not tired..but that too passes..and i am back to the pits. i have headaches every day. i get so tired that i can't really eat because i feel nauseas. it just isn't healthy, and my weight is yo-yoing all over the place.
oh and, ladies and gentlemen, i am bloating and bitchy, which can only be the symptoms of yet another problem i have on my plate presently.
i thought i would be full time by now, but my bosses mother got really sick and he left to stay with her for 2 weeks...came back for a day...and then she died. now, from what i hear, it has already been a week, and it could be another before he comes back to work, and i know that he isn't in ohio thinking of how everything is stinking here for me back in alabama.
and my second job just blows.
nuff said.
i want:a full time position at the station.
i want:to get off work and to be done with work until the next day.
i want:a raise.
i want:a gym membership. its top priority after the raise.
mostly..i just want to go home and crawl in the bed.
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bah. i am having "one of those days" today, for whatever it is worth, and it is only 8 am.
i guess it isnt so bad considering i get up at one in the morning.
i would really like to thank my EXECUTIVE PRODUCER for sitting on her ass today while i was running the show, leaving me 3 minutes to write an update and a webcast.
real cool.
time for job number 2.
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