"i dreamed i was dying as i so often do,
and when i awoke i was sure it was true"

i've got the writing jones full force tonight. sadly, as per usual, it is only because my thoughts are to jumbled to make sense of them silently within myself. i keep thinking about the day that i will wake up and think "hmm..this is my life. this is where i am. this is where i want to be tomorrow. this is who i am."

i have a hard time believing that that day will ever come around, but i watch the people around me, and i pay close attention to how secretly sad most of them are-unbeknownst to the rest of the room. there is this guy that hangs out over at a friend of mine's place. he is sort of an acquaintance..all i really know about him is that he is named tal (short for talmadge-kid was off on the wrong foot to begin with), he is the president of the campus democrats, his basic dressing and social behaviors, and the fact that he is a complete alcoholic.

he is a really short guy, so i figure that this probably started the chain reaction of self-doubt that sent him down the miller light cascade. he isnt particularly ugly, but he wears sort of a shaggy unattractive beard and somewhat conservative redneck looking clothes(pants an inch or two higher than necessary, always has on a belt, checked shirt in either blue or red), which gives me the impression that he thinks that he is unattractive, so he doesnt shave and he dresses that way to try to save himself from having to stand full-face foward to the world.

i wonder when he last kissed a girl. i bet he was drunk. i bet she was drunker. i bet she was sort of frumpy, and he harbored a secret longing for her that he would never admit to his friends, and he used the fact that alcohol was involved as a crutch, and then ignored said frumptress' existence after the rhendevous occurred, which, in the long run, just made him sadder over all.

his life is a lie. he is a sham, so he gets drunk every night to try to prove some fraction of his manhood through his drinking stamina.

i am not fixated on this guy by any means, but i have really picked up an unnatural urge to psychoanalyze everyone i come into contact with these days-people i dont really like even more than people i do like. i think i have spent enough time and energy and practice on myself that it is about time i turn it around to other people because i know that i will never be content with whats in my skin. i am thinking about starting a journal solely for the purpose of writing down other people (without their names of course in case anyone gets a hold of it) for character references for the character based novel i harbor the secret desire to piece together one day when i have more ambition and patience and time on my hands.

hailey

"Eyeless in the morning sun you were
pale and mild, a modern girl
taken with thought, still prone to care
makin tea in your underwear"

it has been another introverted day. i went to all of my classes for the first time in weeks (i have 6 on mondays and wednesday so i normally cut at least one of them to take a break and eat lunch)..got my grade from my first intro to music theory test-92, which pleased me greatly. i also took a western civ II test today, which i totally aced. if i didnt make a 110 on it, it is from pure human error cause i knew it completely-all without cracking a book. i thank my lucky stars for my uncanny ability to remember all lectures (except math) the first time i hear them and to be able to spew said lectures back onto paper in a way that strokes even the testiest of professors' egos. call it a gift-in high school it got me a college scholarship..now if i had only made it to a couple of lectures last semester perhaps i would have kept said scholarship.

at any rate i ran the full gauntlet today, and then collapsed quietly into a nap in my room. my sleeping habits are royally fucked to be entirely blunt. it probably happened when i went to bed at 4 am on saturday, and slept till 5 pm. the 4 hour naps every day at 3 pm dont really help either, but i am not to that hazy dreamlike sleep-deprived state that i know all too well yet, so i am fine in the meantime.

tomorrow i go home to do laundry, get free food, and to see my brother play football. i use my family so openly-it really is sad, but if i dont do it openly, then they force themselves upon me. better to use them at my own command.

"you went out in the yard to find
something to eat and clear your mind
something bad inside me went away"

yep.

hailey

doodly doot dah doo..

so yeah..currently running the alabama game. they finally took the lead after having their ass handed to them during the entire first half. there must have been some intensity in that locker room.

i am really ready to get off of work cause tonight i am going to the fair. woo! i havent been since my senior year of high school.i think it will turn out to be a pretty good time. i am going with natalie and chris, so it will be interesting to say the least. those 2 both come out of left field with every comment they make.

i plan on riding everything i can-including that camel that they have there every year. if cameras are handy, i may have some awesome pictures to post on here tomorrow.

you know what i hate? my hands. they look like they should be attached to a fat 9 year-old's wrist. i want digital liposuction.

i am huuuuungry. i am headed straight to the trojan center when i get into troy to grab a sub and some of those welches fruit chews. have you had those? i would say that they are better than sex, but i don't even remember what sex is like.

other random things-breaking bonaducci. have you SEEN it? wow. i am addicted to it, and i dont watch tv-must less reality tv, but it is so..real. i dont even know another word to describe it. i mean it seems like the show is really out of the control of the producers, and they are having to just wildly chase danny bonaducci down as he runs around bordering on nervous breakdowns at least twice a day, and where i see hints of scripted-ness on most reality shows, this show is full of more raw emotion that should be allowed on tv. i fucking love it.

has anyone tried doctor wham? the commercials are really lame, and i am really sick of running them.

hailey

at about 4:30 yesterday blake called me to come over and hang out. he told me to bring the orange juice and that he would supply the vodka-so go i did. we giggled like girls and drank mixed drinks and listened to sinead o'conner.

we were drunk by 6.

not too much later-dare i say 8? other people showed up..nathan, dave, rach..i think that was it, and suddenly blake turned to some sort of condescending hateful bastard. i got up and grabbed my things at the point where he basically said he hated everyone, and when nathan tried to protest, he verbally attacked him-when i know nathan would probably take a bullet for him.

i drove home, which probably wasnt the greatest of ideas, but it is only about a block to my dorm and it isnt tricky driving by any means. i cried the whole way and rachael called me when i was getting out of my car. chris called about 10 minutes later crying and apologizing. dave called about 20 minutes after that. i dont really remember much of my reaction other than i tried to play it off like i wasnt sobbing by myself in my room.

i went downstairs to get some junkfood (reese's cups and those welches fruit chews-mm mm good) to try in some pathetic attempt to sober up so i could handle everything a little better. it didnt really work, so instead i just went to bed. i woke up at around 2 with the overwhelming urge to puke, so i dove to the bathroom, and did indeed puke up a red fruit-flavored concoction that i never desire to taste again. i got up weakly and washed my face and rinsed out my mouth and brushed my teeth.

then i went back to bed. today is going to be so long.

write write write-got the writing JOOOONES. i havent gotten a mother-f-in thing done all day. slept through 2 of my classes and felt like crap. thats a mixture of sleep depravation, day after puking sickness, and a slight hangover. i am drinking lots of water though.

i dont know what is going on with my friends and it is stressing me out. nathan sent me a message today saying he hoped i was having a better day than yesterday. yeah-he is about as sweet as they get. too bad he doesnt like me cause i would be on that.

ares isnt working right and i really want to download "i cant live (if living is without you)"-the harry nilsson version, not the mariah carey or air supply version. i thought the one i wanted was the air supply, but i was wrong. for now i will settle with listening to the air supply version and fantasizing about the day that it is the right version. i also downloaded "angie" by the rolling stones. it is definitely one of my favorite songs ever. i have been doing the melancholy music thing again (then again when did i ever stop?). i bought ryan adams heartbreaker and the shins chutes too narrow yesterday and they have pretty much been on repeat. "kissing the lipless" byt the shins is like musical crack-and i am so addicted.

i need to get out of troy for a couple of days, but i just dont see it happening. i need to meet a nice boy and settle down. i need to stop worrying so much about everything. i need to lose like 30 lbs and to start wearing those gay little half sweaters. everyone would like me so much more.

hailey

A-TO-NIGHT!..im going home. actually, as soon as i get off of work in like 7 minutes. no t that this week hasnt been a fucking BLAST (in the pants no less) filled with several failed tests several nights of crying and several awkward conversations with close friends-not to mention i got to be around drunk karen last night, and we all know nothing makes me happier than that right there. yessir...

at any rate despite the joy that my life has had to learn to contain in the past 5 or 6 days, i thought it time to come home for the weekend after i spent 45 minutes in the library today watching foreign exchange students and pondering the meaning of life. i find that when i get a little to out there for me myself to handle, it is time to get back to basics and perhaps spend some time remembering why it was so awesome to get out of prattville to begin with. after 3 days of my mom bitching about my dad and brother and nana and anyone else who tickles her fancy, my dad talking incessantly about fotball and only football, and my brother just being himself,i am pretty sure i will be ready to run back to troy.

heck-maybe i will even run into an ex-boyfriend or two if i am really lucky.
one can only hope.

hailey

well i spent the evening last night sort of doing some family bonding, and then catching up with some people on instant messenger. i am never ever on in troy because the connection is rediculously bad, and it kicks me off every 5 to 10 minutes.

i have been rather sucked into my "new life" or what have you since returning to troy. i cant not believe that i have been there for almost ten weeks now. it has gone by so quickly. i have been trying to slow things down a bit here lately..sort of looking back on where i was a year ago. man it was a different set of circumstances homecoming week last year, but i wont say that things are necessarily terrible this year in comparison-just very different. i am happy enough right now. i love my friends. i love my roommate, and i am dealing with the lackluster dating scene in troy as well as i ever have. i was thinking of how the chain of events over the past 12 months put me sitting here in this awesome job. if i hadnt of been depressed i wouldnt have had the school problems, and i wouldnt have moved home this summer. i wouldnt have called in to request the particular song i requested, and wouldnt have stuck up a conversation with the dj and heard about the job, so i would probably still be slapping dough a rack at a time and complaining about not geting hours and the managers being assholes. i wouldnt have become such an internet addict and i would never have met lacey..and eventually my entire awesome circle of friends.

everything happens for a reason, and even though i dont alwayslike what happens for whatever reason, i think things are for the better this year because i am standing on my own and really thats what is important.

hailey

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

I don't look back as much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days go slowly by
Two loose kites falling from the sky
Drawn to the ground and an end to flight

the world stopped on its axis simultaneously with my heart in my chest tonight when i checked my missed calls. the boy that made me so blue for so long had called..and called again..and i heard his voice for the first time in 8 months.

what i feel i can not describe as bad or good or any other tangible mood.

hailey

WANTED:

willpower. any kind.
is willing to buy used as long as it functions properly.
call hailey at 1-800-HLP-A-HO

and after a long vacation, my pal insomnia is back. i have gone 3 days on about 8 hours of sleep, but i dont think it will last long this time. i already feel my senses giving out in their usual manner right before i crash. i saw it coming though-its always stress induced.

stress? me? hah-i scoff at stress...until it forces me out of sleep for three nights in a row. then i get pissed. the trigger this time is like a blaring sign-so obvious that i wont mention it-but lets just say that it has weighed heavily on my mind the past 3 nights. i just lay awake thinking and thinking and thinking-all for naught of course. i rarely act an anything that comes out of these all night brainstorming sessions with hailey hailey and company,. it is just enough to keep me from sleeping soundly like i should. i wake up early and get dressed to the t-which is entirely out of character of me, but i doit mostly to keep from going crazy playing freecell or spider solitaire. i go get breakfast. i download incredible aounts of music-most of it stuff i would never download otherwise (i downloaded a shitload of wu-tang clan yesterday. wtf is up with that?). i go to every class in hopes of wearing myself down enough to get off to dreamland.

nothing.

and the thing is, with the particular situation that has caused this bought of insomnia, i am notsure that this wont be a repeated cycle for a while now. not looking foward to it.

everytime you think you have things somewhat under control...

hailey