http://20six.co.uk/indiegirl786
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general observations
fancy free
wowsa..it is 4 in the morning..and we pretty much have the show wrapped up. i had black tea this morning..and a cliff bar that apparently contained green tea in it. i am so hopped up on caffeine right now that i could probably run all the way to prattville in my high heels. speaking of which..bought a lot of shoes over the weekend cause i finally got paid. have on some GLORIOUS steve madden flapper-style brown heels with little buttons on the sides that i got on sale for under 40 bucks (and thats a bargain if you didn't know it). i also bought some egregiously brightly colored onasuka tiger tennis shoes (teal, purple, and orange in a fabulous array for my footloose pleasure), and 2 pairs of flats from target. sadly, i can not spend another dime. i found out this morning that i won't be getting a refund check, which means i have to pull over 500 dollars out of my ass to pay summer tuition to troy. good thing i work 2 jobs and have nothing better to spend my money on (like say paying off my car or putting a downpayment on a house). i am particularly annoyed because the only reason i dont get the money is that i am a student. nevermind that i work for a living just like everyone else (and probably a whole lot harder that a lot of the bums blowing their checks on big screen t.v.'s and their baby mommas-yeah..i said it). i will prevail! as far as i can tell steve and possibly one other person are the only ones who ever read this. that is good though. i feel more at ease letting secrets slip. like this one. got a dress in the mail at my mom's place yesterday.
its white.
and, depending on if it fits properly, it may be pretty important sometime in the future. marking 2 years in less than 30 days. don't be jealous. i am happy.
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so 20sux has really made some changes..
but that is beside the point. my point today..has a lot to do about money, but not much to do about a lot of money. i finally got my first paycheck from the television station! hooray! it is ultra-yay because when i deposited it this afternoon, i had a whopping $26 dollars spread over 2 bank accounts, an empty gas tank and a water bill due. it was ugly. but now all is right with the world. i get my acte check tomorrow, so perhaps i will even be able to stick a little cash away for savings. what kind of 21 year-old am i-saving money? i will tell you..an industrious one. once i get my check from good ole g.w. sometime in the next week or two, i will have troy paid off, all on my little lonesome. i am pretty proud of it..being able to take care of myself and all (never mind that guy that i live with who buys me food. who needs food?!). next up i have an unsubsidized loan that i want to pay out in full when i get the bill around the first of august. after that..my p.o.s. car is getting paid off..and then it is savings for a white dress and a white picket fence. i figure i should start saving now, because if i don't, who will? danny is probably getting a second job, however, but he is really bad with money. it just slips through the fingers. he has managed to save a whopping $20 for the backpacking trip he wants us to take through europe. so i figure i will let him pay for groceries cause he is going to spend the money any way, and i will save all of my extra money for the things we really need. working 2 jobs for a while aught to actually put me in the black. i can't believe it. speaking of frivilous spending..we are going to see john prine tomorrow night, after going out for thai food. it will be a really great end to a really busy first 70 hour work week. i don't want to let us turn into two ships passing in the night, so the weekends now have to really be planned so that we can get maximum relationship time in. it has been hard only seeing him at lunch and midnight for like 15 minutes, but its only going to get better. saturday we are going up to my parents place to ride bikes and fish and camp out on the back of the property. should be awesome. i am banking on it.
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and doris is my supervisor
my life is mirroring belle and sebastian songs today. its uber-gay. got some odd news today regarding my past. i am oddly unfettered right now. let me tap into a bottle of red wine this afternoon, and we will see if i still feel the same. i am pretty sure the news was the next best thing to closure, however, so god bless. the past several years have flown by, and its sort of like i had my sweater caught on something, so to speak. it ripped clean this morning.
in other news, my internship is going to cost me over a grand, which means, essentially, that i should look very thin when i graduate from college, cause all danny and i will be eating is canned veggies and sandwiches on cheap wheat bread. its cool cause i might have some expensive clothes that i will need to squeeze into. i won't lie and say that i am not getting impatient, but the boy is one of those weirdos who like to look before they leap...look a lot apparently. i can't say too much that is negative. it offsets my over-impulsiveness. why are you people still reading my cryptic bullshit? or are you?
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skipping school and playing hooky from work is yummy.
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confliction. is that a word? who cares. it is what i am getting at these days. love, school, work, devotion, and self-interest. i would rather just sleep in some days. and i don't know if it is right for me to still be curious, but i am and that is just the way it is. danny and i are renewing the lease to get a jump once i graduate and get a job. the internship at wsfa is in the works and looking near-certain. too bad i am not interested in television. i should have stuck with print, but i am as wishy washy as they come. some girl in one of my classes offered me money to write a paper for her. i am considering it. she is rich and i am poor, so it seems to be my right-right? i should make a career of it. i will probably end up with 3 or 4 degrees and no job experience. god bless america. my jordanian friend sami told me i should move to dubai when i graduate. his sister is rich making 10 bucks an hour at a dillards. i won't lie and say there isn't at least a minor interest within me, but there is a minor interest in a lot of things..like running away. it is amazing how you can live so close to someone and never see them.
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i don't miss any of them at all. i guess frivilous existences are just what they are.
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don't tell me what i want to hear. i know i will never make any money in television.
i don't even know if i want to be in tv anymore.
i don't even really want a job, but i don't like being supported. am i happy?
am i sad?
i am reflective. and moody. and unfullfilled today. but no one will read this anyhow, so it matters very little. i don't know what i am going to do with myself, except that i have to graduate college and would like to get married some day. who. what. when. how. where. i. don't. know. i also hope that you know who doesnt live in the apartment complex that i am moving to in the not so distant future. it would be highly awkward and unpleasant. montgomery blows. troy blows. prattville blows. my b-12 isnt working.
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bam
money money money money money. i feel like i too should buy a lear jet. a football team. a contemporary couch in a chocolate tone. maybe chocolate and butter stripes. if i had money. if my uncle would sell my car. or pick it up even (after 7 months of it sitting in my apartment complex's parking lot, is it so much to ask? what will happen when i move out in july? will i have to go and visit my broke down car across town?). if i could get my income tax. if i worked more. oh god i don't want to work more, but i must i must i must till i bust and go berzerker from school/homework/papers/vietnam/hey coach!/danny danny he's the man/chocolate cake/peanut m and m's/ trojanvision/maintaining that physique!/antiques roadshow/diamond rings (why do i think so much about diamond rings?)/that weather guy that i had a dream about/my mom the bulging nerve/bubba's money/not on time/no sleep/dirt flavored fish/songs i am supposed to write/TAMPONS!/ken kesey on acid looking like a balding paul newman/don't call paul newman hot (even if he was)/trojanone cards/nazis/dad i could go on and on about the things that are consuming me. fashionable clothes and padded flats. that hat that i shouldn't (but had to!) buy. furniture. money money money money money. it truly is a crime. and i just agreed to work more for a man that is possibly more high strung than a ukelele. i can not stand him, i know i am going to hate him within a weeks time, and yet, i agreed. THIS IS SPRING BREAK. WHERE ARE THE BREAKS? i wish i had something to do. i was invited to stay in gulf shores, but danny is taking some time off, and there is nowhere for him to stay. hotels down there are at least 100 bucks a night at this point. there are no shows in atlanta or birmingham. bahda boom, i will probably just sleep in every day and try to work work work (slowly rubbing the tips of my fingers off onto the computer screen). i also signed up for the random drawing for antiques roadshow tickets in orlando on june 30th. i hope i get em. i hope for a lot of things. winning the lottery wouldn't be bad, and if i ever got on deal or no deal i would win it all. one more hour of work, then (home?) to east salem where my homecooked meal waits from the man who loves me (eat your heart out jeff tweedy. i absolutely DID fall in love with a drummer), and strawberries, and wine sweet wine. lots of wine.
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clinically i was dead
"but the motor in my head was still running,
so they plugged me into a machine
and let my brain dream....
why don't you put up a fight?" i have no use for myself these days. i am so disillusioned with work that i have completely stopped taking pride in my work. it is merely interference with my internet time. school is work. school is some prison that i interned myself to. i honestly dont know if i can do this for another year. my passion for much of anything ran dry some months ago. all i look forward to is may when danny will move in and we will make like adults and decorate our apartment. OURS. i get a rush just picking up little things here and there for the design scheme we have decided on. i have never felt such reciprocation from anyone before. he amazes me everyday with the amount of shit he will brush off from yours truly. i am insensitive and thoughtless, but he sees everything i have tried to hide for most of my adult life. he is such a beautiful human being. i hope our time will never run out. he makes me all mushy and girly from the top to the bottom. and i wish the people around me would stop resenting my happiness. it hurts worse than i would let on. "A tree for all these problems
they can find you for the moment
then for all past efforts
there buried deep beneath
your heart and somewhere in your stomach
and hey, transform all others
when aweful people they surround you
well hey, they just like monsters
they come to feed on me
giant little animals to feed
though to say we got much hope
if i am lost it's only for a little while"
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"the good life is out there somewhere, so stay on my arm you little charmer." i am ready for may, and the new roommate it will entail. i have lived the american dream before. i have survived life in a delapidated trailer with a grazing harley davidson, a non working full-sized satellite dish, and a broken down camero and van in the sideyard. i have jumped on my brothers bed and felt it fall through the floor. i have helped chop wood to stay warm without central heat. to stay warm while watching the 5 channels that may or may not come in on the television. i have owned a full wardrobe of nothing but hand-me-downs and walmart clothes (before it was ok to have walmart clothes. at 11 it seemed an impossibility). i have lived that life. and the chapters of my life have taken me farther from that sort of existence. from rental house to trailer to house to dorm room to renting my own place. last night i went to target and spend $160 on kitchenware and bedroom stuff. i like fresh starts. this one might be the best.
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