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hard
heart strings pulled tight like an acoustic guitar.
i could play you a blues song today.
its impeccable how i feel this way at the times when i should be happiest. my shoes don't have near the wear i had expected.
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all i can do is cry
better grab your gallons to guzzle folks-ike's coke fueled rage is about to beat texas' ass like its name was tina...all while most likely blowing away those precious oil refineries off the coast of houston. its gonna be a tough week for gw, so we can bet there will be another surge in iraq.
meanwhile, i am headed to an 80's dance party tonight. can't decide on whether to dress punker or oldschool hip-hopper. heavy times.
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selfish?
i think my body is finally breaking through from the confusion.
for months i slept during the day (popping melatonin pills to beat my body's natural reaction), and wore sweaters (as the temperature outdoors hovered between 90 and 100 degrees fahrenheit). my body swolen, my appetite ebbing and flowing-the mind grows weak.
now daylight sparks the day. i am growing stronger, and shrinking (thankfully) back to who i am supposed to be.
i am going to start keeping regular notes on my life again.
i have been taking this indian herb twice a day. it is supposed to help with weight loss (this according to the men's health magazine that sits on the back of my toilet). i don't know about the weight (i don't weigh myself again until the 26th), but it has given me the strangest sort of energy. the only way i know to refer to it is "clean". it knocks the dust out of my eyes in the morning.
i have also been going to the gym 6 days a week. it is sort of rediculous, but it makes me feel better (outside of my hamstrings being wound up like rubber bands about to pop). over the course of 2 and a half weeks, i have almost made it back to where i was in january (when i ran every morning), and i see myself hitting a 5k sometime in the next six months. i have also been biking 4 miles 3 times a week, and lifting weights 3 times a week. i feel like i am getting my edge back, and maybe the edges of my hips as well. according to the numbers, i started no heavier than i was when i graduated from high school, but i didn't feel that way.
i am working to lose 40 pounds at this point, and i think i am fast-tracking it. i don't necessarily have an exact date to end on, but i do foresee squeezing into a white dress probably next october or november, which gives me more than enough time to lose it slowly and keep it off.
right now is an exciting period in my life. i still don't know what i want to be, but i have a better idea of who i want to be.
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in the morning..
i quit everything..and i start everything.
gotta start saying "yes!" more.
gotta smile more.
it is easier to do without days of sleepiness piling up on me.
i am so glad i quit.
next weekend..moving furniture, canoeing on the coosa, spring cleaning in september, and freedom.
i WILL..learn spanish..get a tattoo..meet my own expectations.
the moon must be full because i feel more in love than ever.
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exhaustion
i could work more, but i think might die.
i think i would rather die.
its just damned depressing..to have the good sort of weekend that i did..a lot of lying around..a lot of watching tv..a lot of hours between the sheets..and then i have to wake up sunday night and head back to the clock.
i am too young to feel like i am middle aged.
the money is finally sort of starting to come in. my tv is calling it quits..the volume button changes the channel and the closed caption spells expletives out to me when it shouldn't even be on, so i am going to have to replace it. we casually looked at some flat screens over the weekend. i may be able to casually buy one in a week or three. i think danny was a little floored that i have been able to save money, but my theory is this. he will not save it. he is going to spend all of his money on food (which is good, because i eat food, but he buys/eats A LOT of food) or vitamins or some other health crap, so i might as well let him continue to do that, while i save some money and get non-renewable resources..like a tv (or our diningroom set..or our couch..or pretty much all of our furniture, which he eventually paid me back for). i happen to be very good at saving money..and, unlike him, i can live without eating 7 square meals a day. i am good with wheat noodles and italian dressing..if that's what i have to do to make some money.
but working sucks.
it wouldn't suck so bad, but working two jobs is pretty much what i figure hell is like. i am tired when i go to sleep. i am tired when i wake up. i am tired when i go pee. i am tired when i eat lunch. on the weekend..there is about a 6 hour period when i am not tired..but that too passes..and i am back to the pits. i have headaches every day. i get so tired that i can't really eat because i feel nauseas. it just isn't healthy, and my weight is yo-yoing all over the place.
oh and, ladies and gentlemen, i am bloating and bitchy, which can only be the symptoms of yet another problem i have on my plate presently.
i thought i would be full time by now, but my bosses mother got really sick and he left to stay with her for 2 weeks...came back for a day...and then she died. now, from what i hear, it has already been a week, and it could be another before he comes back to work, and i know that he isn't in ohio thinking of how everything is stinking here for me back in alabama.
and my second job just blows.
nuff said.
i want:a full time position at the station.
i want:to get off work and to be done with work until the next day.
i want:a raise.
i want:a gym membership. its top priority after the raise.
mostly..i just want to go home and crawl in the bed.
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bah. i am having "one of those days" today, for whatever it is worth, and it is only 8 am.
i guess it isnt so bad considering i get up at one in the morning.
i would really like to thank my EXECUTIVE PRODUCER for sitting on her ass today while i was running the show, leaving me 3 minutes to write an update and a webcast.
real cool.
time for job number 2.
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college graduate in t-minus: one month. bring da ruckus.
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not like i had seen one..but that i were one
i almost passed out in my kitchen this morning (and when i say "this morning"..i say it tentatively..i was eating breakfast around 1:30). i had to lay down, and was an hour late to work.
after being bombarded by people asking if i am pregnant (not even a remote possibility), i finally got a good question.
my blood sugar, perhaps?
too bad, as of next week, i have no insurance.
whatev. i will live.
i am supposed to be working on my journalism school exit exam essays. i can't find the energy to think about the F.C.C. or ethics right now. i have to pick three from a list of five, and write two pages each. they didn't really clarify if we are supposed to have it chock full of sources and citations, but considering that the questions are mainly opinion based (ex. Should a single owner be permitted to operate a radio station, a television station plus a major newspaper in the same city? Why or why not?--and then i write two pages on that pile of shit), i doubt it, and hope that the head of the jschool isnt that big of an ass.
speaking of broadcasting. heard sean has come to the dark side. sullying names with a single pen stroke. that sounded characteristically erotic.
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i think as a kid, it is hard to fathom life with no summer break..no christmas break..basically, no holidays at all. look out kids.
it blows. i admit, some weeks are better than others, but i supposed it is the first time i have truly experienced my days blurring together. my week is honestly like a very long day that ends on saturday..and restarts on sunday at midnight. i know it is just because i am working nearly 70 hours a week, but, if i didnt, i would still need money come bill time. i got a ticket yesterday..from a bicycle cop. it was pretty lame. i am dipping out of here a little early today..then going to work some more somewhere else. then i will go to bed and do it again. there's a full moon tonight, so breaking news is nearly certain.
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love may be fair.
it may be kind. but it isn't easy.
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